As usual I’m so late in putting together my year… This time, I just totally forgot. I wrote a few lines and made a reel on Instagram on New Year’s Eve, that’s about it… I thought that would be enough. But then I started to overthink.
Somehow you just want to ponder and overthink the lessons after the year passed – did you grow as a human being? Or maybe you shrunk? 2022 was such an amazing year, on so many levels, but above all – relationships, and that is just so odd for me, so I just can’t ignore it.
So here we go – 3 months later…
Pondering about 2021 I wrote that 2022 was a number 6 year, which stands for relationships, love, balance, creativity, and healing. Let me just say WOW (again!) – because that was exactly what 2022 became for me.
2022 was the year I really understood that I love people.
Or rather, some people. I reconnected with former friends I had thrown away for different reasons and without hesitation I ran straight into a crazy mad infatuation which totally knocked me senseless. However, friendships were in focus for me in 2022, because when it came to love there was only one, and my heart was beating only for him.
For so many years my energy had been so low I avoided my friends. The first ones I just tossed away because the narcissist I shared my life with was so good at manipulating and isolating, and the rest were tossed away because I poured my entire soul into a work that simply drained me. I needed to cut stuff out of my life in order to get through to the next day, so it was a pure and simple survival instinct, no whimsy decision, but today I feel it was wrong and I just tossed them away.
I worked myself tired just to have anxiety attacks at home, hiding from life. But that is a completely different story.
2022 was one long party for me.
2022 started with me breaking my own New Year’s tradition, which usually consists of me spending New Year’s alone crying in the corner! Instead, I started the year at Linda’s and finished it off with Lina, Tobbe and Åsa on the beach of Koh Chang, Thailand. So both the beginning and the end went against my tradition!
It was wonderful from the beginning to the end: a lot of feelings, a hell of a lot of tears, anxiety and anguish, but fuck yeah, so many laughs and general cosiness.
2022 was the year I spent with so many wonderful people, both new and old friends.
Falling in love was huge for me because since 2014 I had been convinced I’ve met the love of my life. Now, when that was over I was convinced I would never be able to feel anything ever again. I was completely devoid of feelings and even if I wasn’t completely shut off I felt as if there was nothing left within me. It had been a couple of extremely rough years with a lot of tears and I was convinced there would never be another guy to even remotely pique my interest, even the slightest.
Oh, I couldn’t have been more wrong…
Of course, I fell hard, but that too is another story, which is not about to see more light than this. It’s over. He was too young and I was too old and the poor thing was so totally unprepared for that emotional catastrophe that was me. He was both a God and a Devil and I couldn’t keep up. Was he a fuckboy or was he a good guy? It was hard to make sense of the emotional rollercoaster he put me through.
And then all of a sudden he didn’t want to see me anymore and yes, I took it pretty hard. I don’t really know why my reaction was so strong, sure, I was in love, but I had known all along I was too old for him. I knew all along we would never happen. It was back and forth a few more months after that first “breakup”, and then finally nothing…
Now, we are not in each other’s lives anymore. But the important thing is he showed me I could feel something for someone again – and OMG I felt so much. I felt high almost every day and I hadn’t felt so much for anyone in a very long time, maybe ever. But at least he left me with the knowledge that as long as I’m alive there’s a new possibility that I can get crazy in love again and the right person is out there, even for me.
Now let’s leave that. I will always love him, but energy wise I’ve moved on.
2022… Smaller stuff?
The year started with me taking a public stand, not only on social media, joining a protest for freedom and truth. Of course, this too was painted as a “right-wing extreme” protest at a time when you weren’t allowed to gather publicly. Afterwards, I found a lot of new friends both on Facebook and Instagram, and I didn’t feel as lonely anymore.
Of course, I brought my wingman, my nephew. I don’t know how I would’ve survived my darkest moments during 2021 and 2022, without him. He has been my beacon of light in all the madness.
A close friend decided to end our friendship through a text message. Granted, she lives in Costa Rica, so it’s kind of hard to show me respect and end our 25-year-old friendship eye to eye. But still. I was “dangerous”, and she was sad there were people “like me” in the world. Susanne was the first rough patch in 2022, and it took a few minutes for me to get over.
Rough patch no 2 came, like I said, when my toy boy decided, completely delusional, we’d reached the limit of what we could ever be and we needed to part ways.
Spring went on and I had eye surgery with the entire ocular lens replaced with an artificial one. The recovery has been problematic – on and off. I guess I’m well now, but I had expected better results than the one I got. Seeing halos surrounding all light in the dark is annoying, but oh well, it is after all an expected side effect…
I went to two different retreats during the year; in April a silence retreat. I’ve always had the need for distraction to be able to fall asleep. I either watch a movie or listen to music. My brain is just working overtime 24/7, and especially when it’s bedtime. It’s like it decides to solve all kinds of problems as soon as it gets dark out. Not having access to any kind of distraction scared the frack out of me.
And the thought that maybe I hadn’t really dealt with this dude I had this crazy crush on wasn’t particularly appealing either. Imagine the overthinking. And the crying. That was going to happen…
But that didn’t happen. I did, however, discover I love meditating in silence, just letting my thoughts come, letting them disappear. I walked a lot, sat by the ocean and cried some, but mostly I was just sitting anywhere alone with my thoughts. It was magical. I did write a little bit, but not as much as I thought I would need.
In June I took a few days to go see my niece in Amsterdam, where she has been living for a couple of years. It was pure magic. Linn had all these fun stuff planned and she booked tables at the best vegan restaurants. I had never been to Amsterdam before, but this was most definitely not my last visit.
Amsterdam was an amazing city.
The week after Midsummer (this big holiday in Sweden) I went to another retreat where I met so many incredibly sweet and lovely people. The weather was awesome; sunny and we swam in the ocean every day. Kärra Ashram held both retreats and it is located by the ocean and is so beautiful. Because of me leaving in autumn this was my only vacation week and I had such a crazy great time and so many awakenings during these days.
The summer was insanely great. I didn’t get to spend that much time on the beach, though, but I got to drink a lot of drinks (as you can see… – but they were not all yellow!).
By the end of October I finally arrived in Varkala, India. I stayed there for 2 months and did yoga, had panchakarma (the migraines have still not returned!), and just chilled. Also here I met a lot of sweet people. Some more yoga in Varkala is definitely on the schedule for autumn 2023.
The year ended in Thailand with Lina, Tobbe, and Åsa (and random Thais) with a crazy party with fireworks on the beach of Koh Chang.
So 2022 standing for relationships was spot on for me. I lost some but won others.
The saddest thing, however, is I lost 2 people I deeply cared about and as usual, being me, I tried to fix something that I didn’t really break, and it just made it all worse. So in 2023 I leave these 2 people behind me and I let them go with love. I thank Susanne for the time she was my friend and I wish her good luck for the rest of her life. I will never again be part of her life, and I’ve accepted this.
I also thank the guy who was never mine but gave me so much. I wish it ended differently, that it had never become so infected, that I had acted wiser and a lot less clingy, and that he wouldn’t have refused me a goodbye when I left last autumn. I wish a lot of things would have passed differently between us, but that is pointless. Everything that happened was supposed to happen, everything happens for a reason. I acted like a complete maniac because I was so in love, and he acted like a complete asshole because he is so young and he probably thought I was a pain in the ass. We both made mistakes, but I still hope that he one day can look back and remember me with joy. If he knew how much I love him he’d be embarrassed, and maybe he’d even feel bad because the only “wrongful” thing I ever did was to love him and cling to him as a drowning person clings to a lifebuoy – a little too much. But what can I say? Love is like a mental illness…
2023, a number 7 year – now we’re looking inwards after a year when we were looking outwards.
This year has already been very introspective for me, so a lot of overthinking will probably follow I imagine. But I suppose that’s great for balance because I’m pretty sure I’ve never had such an active social life during the entire 2000s as I did in 2022. Being so socially active also had its meaning, because I think I needed to realise I actually need other people, that I can even love other people…
After 2020 and 2021 I hardly wanted anything to do with other people, but 2022 showed me that I’m not always the strongest when I’m alone and this I am grateful for.
How was your 2022? Was it all about relationships for you too or was your focus elsewhere? Please share in the comments.