So, yeah, that was a much longer pause than I intended. Like 3 years longer…
What happened? Where have I been? What have I been up to?
Well, the honest answer to all of it would have been: “Hard truths unravelled, nervous system triggered and rewired, ego shattered, boundaries built, energy still somehow fracked, though”
But I don’t share that with everybody and their uncle; instead I make it simple: “Well, you know, not much, the usual… breathing!”
But I mean, this is my space, right? And oversharing ponderings is well let’s face it – it’s what I do here. Not so much IRL – I’m all Smoke & Shadows there – but still – this is my Sanctuary! So hold on, let’s go!
Truth is, the past two years have been a rather brutal exercise in coming back to myself. The patterns of my most toxic behaviours decided for some reason to come together and show their ugly heads. Naturally, once they were revealed, I could no longer unsee them. Or hide from them.
And that shadow-working shite kind of knocked me down. For real.
So I did what I always do when the shit hits the fan – I withdrew and talked to absolutely no one about it.
Why not? Why would I? Why would I ever talk about it when I can just deal in silence? My cope… IYKYK
This has always been my coping mechanism; whenever the going gets tough, I hide – not under the table but at home, in my safe space where no people are allowed. I go into hibernation so completely that some friendships don’t survive the winter. That often makes me sad, but also infinitely more grateful for the ones still there when I eventually crawl back out.
Even though I’m still stuck in hermit mode, I lately have found myself randomly feeling like I’m wasting my life here in my perfect hiding spot. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a sign I recognise. It means I’m starting to come back to myself.
And one thing that has always healed me is writing. So I had this brilliant idea – what if I simply revive my blog?
So you will probably see me out here more starting from now on. However, at this point I have no idea in which direction I would like to go, so I suppose we will have a lot of random topics here, a lot of ponderings about life in general and some things in particular. We will see…
Well. Over and out.
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